Covid-19 Delusions, & My Resignation

By Youssef Chaz Chronic

I won’t lie, getting $800 a week in unemployment money when I was furloughed during the 2020 pandemic lockdown was a very sweet deal. It was almost the same amount of money I was getting from my job! Looking back, it was perhaps one of the golden ages of my life. From May, until the early part of July, I sat around at home and read books, watched all of Youtube—like, the entire thing— rode my bike, started this podcast, finished the first draft of my book, got drunk and high whenever I pleased, hung out with my band, got more drunk and high, and every week like clockwork that $800 would hit my bank account—sweet! It was too good to be true . . . I would often ask myself: how long could this dream last?

At the start of it—when I read the email from my employer informing me that I was being furloughed for an undisclosed amount of time—it felt like God had finally answered my prayers. For the past year, I had woken up every morning with my first thought being how much I hated my job. I really hated it—so being furloughed was a true benediction from God.

A senior colleague—and friend—called to console me and assured me that my furlough had nothing to do with bad job performance—because the fact of the matter was that I was doing very well at my job. It’s just that demand for my company’s product had severely dropped as a result of the pandemic. She kept saying “I just want to make sure that you are ok.” To which I replied, “Yes, oh yes, I am TOTALLY ok, don’t you worry about me!” Then I hung up the phone and did a LOL in my room. I couldn’t believe it. I was going to get paid to stay at home for who knows how long of a time! Haha!

Overnight, the pandemic changed society as we knew it and everything ground to a halt. Workers got laid off or had to work from home, there were hardly any cars out on the road, no one could go to bars or restaurants, grocery stores had reduced hours, and people avoided each other like the plague for fear of contracting covid-19. On top of that, it felt like no one knew what was going on, or how long this would all last.

I spent a lot of time alone, especially during the first few weeks of the lockdown, and I thought a lot about some pretty wacky ideas. Ideas like: was the pandemic a result of my own thoughts? Was I personally responsible for this virus? Not from the scientific viewpoint of: that as a member of the human race I was implicated in the exploitation and destruction of nature, which blew up in our faces and led to the emergence of this deadly virus. But, more in the sense of: did the intensity of the disdain and hatred for which I felt towards my job, and the intense desire to no longer work at it, send out a vibration into the universe which then unleashed this global pandemic which led to a tanking economy, and a lockdown, therefore preventing me from having to go to work? Could we all have brought this about as a human race via everyone hating their jobs and lives and pumping all those vibrations into the stratosphere? Could the collected human mind be that powerful to bring such an event into reality? Or. Was I maybe just going insane?

Despite some moments of cabin fever and solitary confinement, I did enjoy my furlough and lockdown very much. Like many other people, I was able to catch a mental break. For the first time in a very long time, the absence of constantly being glued to my phone to answer work calls and texts, and replying to emails, was gone. The pressures of needing to hit sales targets and stressing out over sales volumes were removed. As a result, my mind was able to quiet down and breathe and regenerate itself for the first time in what felt like a very, very long time. My heart did the same. As did my soul. I was no longer just worked up and stressed about work-related issues.

Then on my birthday, June 25th, after almost two months in furlough heaven, my phone rang and I saw that it was my boss Oh no . . . I thought, What does that guy want . . . probably to wish me a happy birthday . . . I answered the call and we began talking.

After a bit of formality and catching up he said "Youssef, today is a special day right? It’s your birthday?” “Yes it is.” I replied. “Well then, happy birthday!” he said. “I also have some good news for you, you are going back to work on July 6th!”

When I heard those words, every ounce of joy left my body. “Good news right?” he pressed. “Yes . . .” I answered. “Yes. Good news,” I said, trying my best to hide my disappointment. I hung up the phone and stood in my kitchen in silence and disbelief. I knew this was too good to last . . . In eleven days I would be back to work at the job I had grown to utterly despise. The dream would soon be over.

Prior to this call I was really hoping that they would just let me go. That the economy, which had soured as a result of the pandemic, was so bad that my company no longer needed me and had to lay me off. I was really hoping for that.

Alternatively, I could’ve just quit. But I needed income . . . and things at the time were very uncertain and it felt like suicide to just quit and not have another job. So I stayed. I stayed on board for another year until I finally couldn’t take it any longer, till I no longer could pretend to care. I began to do very sloppy work, I was also very snappy and cold towards others that I worked with. I would ignore calls, texts, and emails, and often didn’t do what I said I would do. I was just waiting for the figurative car, to crash and burn.

I knew this was going to end badly. Unless that is, I took myself out of the equation first “Get another job before you quit your current one,” goes the commonly held line of thought. I say fuck off to that! For months I went on Indeed browsing jobs and finding nothing that interested me. Nothing in a job description that enticed me other than the fact that it was a different company. Why would I get another job doing the same thing for another company, only to KNOW that I would hate it just as much in a few months down the line? For this reason, I chose to just quit without having another job. For better, or for worse, I needed to take time to figure out my next move.

During the pandemic I devoted time to writing my book, to reading, to recording my podcast, and to recording music with my band. The time I spent alone to reflect upon my life and what I had accomplished thus far made me realize how precious my time really was. It made me realize that it was completely insane to work a job that you hate. To spend time doing something that you have no interest in AT ALL, only because it gives you money.

Could I get paid to write interesting articles? Could I be a journalist? Could I monetize my podcast? Could I make use of my master’s degree in international affairs—which I am proud of— in a context that does not require me to work in an office, or for an NGO? Maybe, but I wouldn’t know unless I got out there and tried. But first, the prerequisite was to completely leave behind what I had been doing before. To get me out of the orbit of the regular day job, and the mental rut that I had been in for a long time.

The Pandemic really put things into perspective. It took me out of a hateful routine and gave me much time to think which is exactly what I needed. I realized that the most important thing that I have is time. Time, energy, and what I decide to dedicate myself to in this life. If I succeed in my quest—with my creative projects, my writing, my music, and my podcast and I become successful and get recognition for it—fantastic. Awesome. If I fail, well, that’s just how the cookie crumbles now, isn’t it? That’s life, and I guess I’m just going to have to be okay with that. I got nothing to lose, and in a few years, what will surely be lost will be my life. So what’s really keeping me from trying, and giving it all I got?